OK I am quite exhausted. What a predicament. It is like walking into the forest without knowing the consequences of getting lost. Never finding your way out. Hanging onto survival

by a limb but not really living either. At least not fully, not being able to “breath freely” . Why does he have to do those things? why so disrespectful?  I am living  a huge catch 22…

A Mother’s thoughts in dealing with her Son’s Aspergers.

My son is his own little person.  Right from the beginning he taught me that he was going to do things in his own special way. The day before I was to go into labor, he turned around and became breech.  To my disappointment I had to have a cesarean.  But he came to us healthy and beautiful and as the most precious gift.  As he began to develop there were things that I became very concerned about.  He was colic unless I walked him, so I did. The winter cold never bothered him and we walked through the fields and hills at minus 25-degree Celsius because it was the only time he would stop crying. His stomach seemed to bother him.  But he was only at peace outside.  And so begins our journey.

When my son, Sebastian was 6 months old I wrote “he is not much for cuddles – but likes to be held and walked around…” he never cuddled much with me. At 8 months I wrote … “he does not like going shopping, so when I try to go get groceries I have to be quick because he cries like crazy” he would cry from the moment I went into the store to the moment I left.  No matter how well rested and feed he was, he cried while shopping. People often gave me disagreeable looks in the store; they were suffered from the noise I suppose. But food needed to be bought. I suffered from the noise as well. It was often and constant, and days with no break.  I didn’t have much of a supportive network either which made it just so much more challenging. He was my first child and he seemed unhappy or in pain. I never understood it.  But that is only one side of him. He was also at times very happy and an amazing observer of the world around him. He has an unquenchable curiosity.  There are just so many facets to him.

Sebastian is 8 years old. Today was a particularly bad day. He can become so confrontational.  I suppose that is what is encouraging me to write this.  There are moments that I am frustrated to the point of tears. He disobeys me so openly, and is so hard to understand. I have to have an unreal amount of patience, which at times I do not have.  I feel guilty like I did something wrong or it’s all my fault as a parent. I am frustrated with him and with me. I am squashed between loving him and being so disappointed.  This is a feeling I am becoming use to.  But I am not the only Mother who has a son with Aspergers, and I am not the only Mother who has become frustrated to tears. We love deeply and that is why it hurts so much. All we want is the best for our children, for their happiness above all else.

It is always hard to be so certain of things. Particularly when others second-guess you, it may encourage you to do the same. But when he was 3 I knew something was not right and it took a lovely understanding teacher who dealt with children with Aspergers to direct me to this point.  Unfortunately I have extremely little support with this.  No I have no support except finding others on line in some other virtual community to know that we are connected. We are trying to fit our children into a society that is made to pigeonhole people.   But what of those who may not fit the “average” standard. Our classrooms our packed to the limit and teaches do their best with what they have, but are stretched for time and patients. I am afraid that my son will walk through this world in a very large crack.  And there is my sorrow.

I would like to say I am not bothered by other people judgments, but I am. They simply do not understand something that is even hard for me to grasp.  I read about it, but the best education thus far has been meeting others with aspergers. Noting similarities, and difference, accepting it in my son.  The biggest step is to accept it. The second thing is to try to understand to how to deal with it, I am still working on that. Some days I think; is this for real or just a child with a propensity to disobey. When I say disobey, I mean simple not hear what you are saying, not following simple instructions, not interested in having an natural desire to please his parents. I am not going to say it doesn’t create stress at the home or in a marriage, it does. My husband can play with the kids more, where I am the one directing them to do things. Well it opens up a lot of struggles.  But it is also not the end of world either.  It is a place where a person has to become bigger than they are. They have to open their mind to knowing what it is to accept someone for everything. To ignore the glances from misunderstood individuals no matter how much it hurts.

Sebastian has a hard time making friends at school .We have a hard time, bringing other couples over with kids his age and having them accept the way things are. Sebastian’s occasional tantrums and focus on his own interest make it hard to connect with other children. That is really hard to deal with knowing that that will be a struggle for him. Because he loves people, in his way he likes to be around others.  Others his age don’t always like to be around him, but to say he is without friends is not accurate either. He has managed to connect with others and I am proud of him and I suppose sometimes he has learned to throw his arms around the world better than I have.

For me he is like holding onto water and I would have it no other way.

]]> http://blackbird300.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/holding-water/feed/ 0 blackbird300 http://blackbird300.wordpress.com/2009/09/18/multiple-choice-h1n1-and-a-little-good-news/ http://blackbird300.wordpress.com/2009/09/18/multiple-choice-h1n1-and-a-little-good-news/#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:22:12 +0000 blackbird300 http://blackbird300.wordpress.com/?p=13 ]]> Today the province announced that they will be saving 1.7 million dollars by having kids do their science tests with multiple choice questions. Yes that  is right, science has nothing to do with intellectual thought process. Now they tell you the answer you just guess it. That is the stupidest thing I heard so far today, and it is only 9 am. The H1N1 virus is in every community and no body is keeping count anymore. The H1N1 is a russian roulette game, some peoples genetics just can not handle it and will die from it. And of course you will dye from it if you have some underlying problem. That is a lot of the population, and as stupid humans are, all one hears is political games being played over this.  Not that some people are not trying hard to make this as safe as possible, but this isn’t going to go away. But than again I don’t have the answer either… sigh..

Idea of the day: There is a fine balance between self respect and respect for others. What I have found personally that in my life I have always been so concerned about the thoughts and feelings of other people I have usually put my own needs aside. The win/win situation doesn’t occur. Usually it is they win and I am left going and what did I get out of it but hard work? I am not talking about my kids that is always putting them first. Kids just don’t know how to give lots until later. Of course that has to be taught as well. I digress, but going over some numbers I realize how little of money I charge for my services which I put a lot of effort into. My time is worth money. That is time away from my children and family that is worth something to me.  I have to re-evaluate my price list.

Notes of appreciation:  The weather has  been amazing! Wow,  stunning evening light, birds singing, warm weather. What a treat. Oh, and my kids are doing good in school. They are both growing up and doing great. So proud of them.

My idea for today: “It is quite unhealthy to become half of yourself to accommodate another person ” This happens when you become closely linked to another, by either dating, room-mates, living together, or of course marriage. Which I am the later. The later is more complicated or at least it becomes more complicated. Particularly the more years that go by and the more you adjust yourself for another persons ideals. I have done this to myself, completely without thinking. Which doesn’t say to much about me and my intelligence does it now. But here I am today going, what happened to me!! I turned into something that isn’t quite what I wanted. But I have made progress as I have come to realize that my partner doesn’t like to do anything I do, infact he is my direct opposite in sooo many ways. He isn’t big on the arts and metaphors or creative artists. So I adjusted myself as not to get the rolling eyes, snide remarks or simply the complete and utter mockery I have received  (which I admit is sometimes funny in a really wrong way) when talking about the arts or participating in them. There is simply no win win here. Which sometimes happens with very stubborn people.

Sorry to say for myself that I have kept my interest at bay and picked up his interests. O.K not really. I don’t do soccer… at all.  But I think from here on we should (including him) become who we are regardless of   approval from the other. He just simple will not participate or share in that part of life with me. I simply will not share in that part of his life. And that is OK because we don’t have to be the same. Which is nice… can you believe it took me this long to figure something so simple out. Like I said it doesn’t say much for my intelligence. So that is my idea for the day.